Sometimes I'm afraid.. very afraid

Alright people, I'm going to lay it all out in this post. So if you are not in the mood for some super emotional Liz stuff then do not continue to read.

I'm off work because schools are closed. My boys are driving me insane. We have been cooped up in the house and the movies that will hold their attention are running low. Chase is being uber whiny and Toby is being... well... Toby. After finally putting Toby down for a nap (and cleaning up the remnants of his and Chase's lunch) I made myself some lunch. Of course, I dropped it on the floor. It wasn't the kind of lunch of say, a sandwich where you can just pick it up with the 5 second rule. It was Alfredo noodles. I was so hungry and frustrated that I scraped it off the rug, picked the carpet fuzzies off and ate it anyway. Gross, I know. But that's where I am today. Then Helen called and Chase answered and talked to her for a bit then handed the phone to me. She said "You have the sweetest little boy in the world, you know that right?"

Suddenly I was terrified. Did I know that? Yes, of course I do; but WHY is it so hard to remember??? Patience has never been my virtue. As a child, my dad would make me repeat over and over "The Bible says, You need to have Patience". I loathe that phrase but it made me think. How can I be a good mother when I have so little patience with my children. I have never been one to have to repeat myself over and over again. People generally listen when I talk. However, My boys test this on a daily basis. I have to say something 3-8 times before its even heard once. Usually I have to morph into Medusa before they will listen to me or begin to follow directions. So Frustrating.

I feel like I try so hard every day. Not to yell, not to flip out, not to let the little things bother me. And sometimes its good. Every now and then Heaven will throw me a bone and my boys will be well behaved, loving, and snuggly. I feel like I'm a great mom on those days. But what about all the other days? I went back to work full time last month and I thought it would kill me to be away from Toby so much. It isnt. I find myself actually ENJOYING the time I'm with him now because I don't have to deal with his toddler antics 24/7 anymore! So.. I don't know.

I do know that I love them more than anything. That the thought of something bad happening where one of them were to be taken from me literally turns my stomach. I know that I will do everything in my power for them to just be happy as they grow up. So yes, I am afraid. I'm afraid that I'm not always a good mother. I'm afraid that I'm not always a good wife, a good friend, sister, daughter, etc, etc, (insert random roll I might play here). Its times like this I remember that I don't have to be perfect all the time. I'm going to mess up. I'm going to make mistakes. But thankfully I have God's Grace to lift me back up to start another day. When I feel like I cant take it anymore, I have to remind myself to pray and He will take it for me.

Sometimes I wonder if God knew what he was doing entrusting these little people to me and then I realize.. Maybe they are here to teach me just as much as I'm here to teach them.

I hope you all stay sane.. Blessings!

Liz